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Christian Finnegan observed that how you play Monopoly says a lot about how you handle adult life.

Six levels into playing World of Goo on the Wii, I’m noticing something similar. World of Goo challenges you to get a bunch of goo-ball dudes from point A to point B by fashioning some of them into bridges, towers, and so forth. As you build structures with the balls, they sag and sway and tip over as if they were actually made of semi-solid goo. It’s very cool.

The problem is that I never took high school physics. The physical world in general isn’t my forte; that’s why I got into video games in the first place. When I was a kid my dad pointed out to me that triangles are the strongest shape, which is true (albeit not really useful when you’re building Legos), but that’s about all the knowledge I can call upon to make these goo structures.

So I build my tower, but it starts to sway, so I shore up the base. I don’t want to waste the balls, since you get scored based on how many you have left over after you build your structure. This leads me to compromise the foundation, which doesn’t become clear until the tower’s tall enough that it’s really starting to tip over. I scramble to prop it up, but it’s too late, and pretty soon I have a U-shaped comb-over tower. Good thing the goo is flexible, or it’d be a disgusting scene.

On my next attempt I build slowly, making sure there’s plenty of support at the base, and being careful to maintain the tower’s balance as it goes up. I finally get it high enough to reach the series of tubes that the balls want to get to for whatever reason, but there are none of them left to climb the tower — they’re all in it.

And that’s where things start to feel like a metaphor. If I take a naive approach, everything comes crashing down before I get anywhere. If I slow down and really think about the problem, I still don’t get anywhere, and I waste more time and resources along the way.

World of Goo is a fun game, but try not to take it personally. At least with Monopoly I end up owning some property.

I’ve always wanted to make video games, but that hasn’t worked out yet. However, I’m very accomplished in thinking up video game titles. A while back I came up with “Hold Still While I Kill You”, inspired by the little “Finish Him!” interludes in Mortal Kombat, and more recently “I Punch Things”, which would of course be a game where you walk from left to right, punching things.

It hit me recently that this could be a great opportunity for catharsis. If you pay attention to the news, which I don’t recommend, you’ll eventually start to think that the world is full of unsolvable problems. What we need is a game where you can solve all the problems of politics, the environment, and general human misery the way we solved the kidnappings of martial artists’ girlfriends in the 80s: by walking from left to right, punching things. “I Punch Things” is that game.

I PUNCH THINGS

a video game by M. Zole

Level 1

SECRETARY: Lance, moveon.org is on line 1.
LANCE: Hello?
MOVEON: Lance, we’ve got a problem.
LANCE: Talk to me.
MOVEON: President Bush is abusing his executive power, eroding the separation of church and state, and leading us into an unwinnable war in Iraq!
MOVEON: We need you to walk from left to right, punching dudes.
LANCE: Got it.

Level 2

BUSH: Darn it, Lance! You punched so many dudes in level 1 I got kicked out of office! I realize now what a jackass I was.
LANCE: …
BUSH: But we’re still in an unwinnable war in Iraq. Can you do it, Lance? Can you walk from left to right and punch dudes?
LANCE: Iraqi dudes?
BUSH: I’m not sure it matters. Bill, does- OK, they can be pretty much any dudes. But the background needs to look vaguely Arabian.

Level 3

BROWN: Lance! Oh, man. I’m in over my head.
LANCE: What’s up, Michael?
BROWN: It’s like this… I’m the head of FEMA, and I’m supposed to help people recover from major disasters. But I have no idea what I’m doing! New Orleans just got hit by a huge hurricane, the levees broke, and now thousands of people are homeless and starving. And I’m going to be late to my restaurant reservation in Baton Rouge.
LANCE: So you need me to walk from left to right, punching dudes?
BROWN: Would you?
LANCE: Sure.
BROWN: You’re a pal, Lance.

Level 4

JON STEWART: Lance, thanks to your dude-punching skills, thousands of hurricane victims have had their lives un-destroyed. But the American people still suffer from malaise and apathy; voter turnout is abysmal, everyone has become more and more isolated, and not enough people are listening to Shonen Knife. We need you to get to the root of the problem.
LANCE: By walking from left to right and punching dudes?
JON STEWART: Good man.

Final Boss

LANCE: So, it was you all along!
PARIS HILTON: That’s right! I was at the root of all America’s problems! My tiny dog was at the root of some of them.
LANCE: Your reign of mediocrity ends here!
PARIS: Probably not! Your punching dudes style is no match for my Vapid Head Tilt!
LANCE: We’ll see about that!

(4500 punches later)

PARIS: Noooooooo!
LANCE: Gasp! You’re actually Hitler!
PARIS/HITLER: That’s right! And I would’ve gotten away with being a shallow media whore if you hadn’t walked from left to right, punching dudes! (dies)

THE END
(peppy end music)