zole.org

I’ve always wanted to make video games, but that hasn’t worked out yet. However, I’m very accomplished in thinking up video game titles. A while back I came up with “Hold Still While I Kill You”, inspired by the little “Finish Him!” interludes in Mortal Kombat, and more recently “I Punch Things”, which would of course be a game where you walk from left to right, punching things.

It hit me recently that this could be a great opportunity for catharsis. If you pay attention to the news, which I don’t recommend, you’ll eventually start to think that the world is full of unsolvable problems. What we need is a game where you can solve all the problems of politics, the environment, and general human misery the way we solved the kidnappings of martial artists’ girlfriends in the 80s: by walking from left to right, punching things. “I Punch Things” is that game.

I PUNCH THINGS

a video game by M. Zole

Level 1

SECRETARY: Lance, moveon.org is on line 1.
LANCE: Hello?
MOVEON: Lance, we’ve got a problem.
LANCE: Talk to me.
MOVEON: President Bush is abusing his executive power, eroding the separation of church and state, and leading us into an unwinnable war in Iraq!
MOVEON: We need you to walk from left to right, punching dudes.
LANCE: Got it.

Level 2

BUSH: Darn it, Lance! You punched so many dudes in level 1 I got kicked out of office! I realize now what a jackass I was.
LANCE: …
BUSH: But we’re still in an unwinnable war in Iraq. Can you do it, Lance? Can you walk from left to right and punch dudes?
LANCE: Iraqi dudes?
BUSH: I’m not sure it matters. Bill, does- OK, they can be pretty much any dudes. But the background needs to look vaguely Arabian.

Level 3

BROWN: Lance! Oh, man. I’m in over my head.
LANCE: What’s up, Michael?
BROWN: It’s like this… I’m the head of FEMA, and I’m supposed to help people recover from major disasters. But I have no idea what I’m doing! New Orleans just got hit by a huge hurricane, the levees broke, and now thousands of people are homeless and starving. And I’m going to be late to my restaurant reservation in Baton Rouge.
LANCE: So you need me to walk from left to right, punching dudes?
BROWN: Would you?
LANCE: Sure.
BROWN: You’re a pal, Lance.

Level 4

JON STEWART: Lance, thanks to your dude-punching skills, thousands of hurricane victims have had their lives un-destroyed. But the American people still suffer from malaise and apathy; voter turnout is abysmal, everyone has become more and more isolated, and not enough people are listening to Shonen Knife. We need you to get to the root of the problem.
LANCE: By walking from left to right and punching dudes?
JON STEWART: Good man.

Final Boss

LANCE: So, it was you all along!
PARIS HILTON: That’s right! I was at the root of all America’s problems! My tiny dog was at the root of some of them.
LANCE: Your reign of mediocrity ends here!
PARIS: Probably not! Your punching dudes style is no match for my Vapid Head Tilt!
LANCE: We’ll see about that!

(4500 punches later)

PARIS: Noooooooo!
LANCE: Gasp! You’re actually Hitler!
PARIS/HITLER: That’s right! And I would’ve gotten away with being a shallow media whore if you hadn’t walked from left to right, punching dudes! (dies)

THE END
(peppy end music)